A note from the workshop

Where I've Actually Been

I've written a lot of blog posts here about builds, colorways, and the occasional deep dive into firmware nonsense nobody but me finds interesting. This one's different. I want to be honest with you about what's actually been going on, because you deserve the real version, not a polished one.

This December makes five years since I woke up one day and was just sick. Not sick like a bug that passes. Sick in a way that never fully left, that I've been managing and working around ever since. For the last six weeks, it's gotten significantly worse, and that's what I want to talk about. ME/CFS is currently the leading explanation on the table, though nothing is confirmed yet.

Here's what my mornings look like now. I wake up after 8 to 10 hours of sleep feeling like I've been awake for 48 hours straight with the flu. Not a metaphor, that's genuinely what it feels like every single day. The first hour or two, I can't do anything but lay there while my medications kick in enough to get me "stable." I don't actually know how I feel until I can stand up and find out.

Once I'm moving, there's usually a mix of soreness, aching joints, and sometimes bone pain sitting on me like a solid block. It shifts depending on what I'm using: my hands when I'm working on a build or playing, my legs and feet if I'm up and moving around the house.

The worst part is how unpredictable it all is. If I push too hard on a task, or even just leave the house, I pay for it. Sometimes the crash hits the next morning. Sometimes it doesn't show up for two or three days. There's no reliable formula, which makes it almost impossible to plan around.

I first noticed this particular slide getting bad during the second Revamp Kit giveaway stream. Then in early July I had to take a full week off to rest. I want to be clear about what that actually looked like: I sat at home. I left the house once. And it didn't move the needle. That's when I knew this wasn't something I could push through with willpower and a good night's sleep.

Mentally, I'm doing okay. That's not the part that's struggling. But living inside a body that won't cooperate, day after day, for years, wears on you in its own way even when your head's in a decent place.

One of the things I've quietly grieved through all this is cooking. I used to love jumping in the kitchen for my wife and I, watching the YouTube chefs back before most of them sold out for garbage content, turning dinner into something special. These days we often can't even eat the same things, so sharing a real meal together has become the exception instead of the norm. It's a small thing to miss, but it adds up.

My wife has been in this with me the whole way, and honestly we're both worn down by the medical system as much as the illness itself. It's a lot of "Dr. Google," bringing findings to my regular doctor, and hearing some version of "you'd need to see a specialist two hours away," which isn't something I can reliably do on my own right now. We're figuring it out together, one appointment and one bad day at a time.

Here's the part that matters for you as customers and community members: there's only one of me running this business, and on a good day I'd tell you I operate at maybe a quarter of what a fully healthy person could. Right now it's closer to half of that. Production has slowed some, which is exactly why I'm bringing in outside help to keep stock levels healthy while I sort this out. R&D has taken the biggest hit. The new products and firmware experiments I usually love diving into are mostly on pause. Right now I'm focused on getting through each day and keeping the core of this business running.

I still care enormously about this community, about the builds, about pushing this stuff to be the best it can be. That hasn't changed and it isn't going to. My body just isn't letting those ambitions move as fast as I want them to right now.

If you've been dealing with something similar, chronic fatigue, an illness nobody can fully explain, a body that won't listen to your plans, I see you. This stuff is isolating and hard to talk about without feeling like you're making excuses. I'm not. I'm just telling you the truth about where I am, so the slower turnaround times and quieter stretches make sense.

Thanks for sticking with me. More updates as I have them.